Horoscope

Aries ♈: Being born under the Greek god of war, today, you will line up with 6,655 other men, identically accoutered to you forming a phalanx, and roust the Persians from your ancestral land. Then, you will sacrifice a white bullock to Olympus, burning the entrails as a pleasant offering in thanks for your victory.

Taurus ♉: Expect plenty of funny looks when you walk into a china shop today.

Gemini ♊: Being a Gemini, people will often accuse you of having a split personality, but you don't have to take that from them! And neither do you!

Cancer ♋: You will die a terrible, lingering death; your loved ones will abandon you; your appearance and material wealth will fail miserably. In your last, few, agonizing… oh, wait… that one's for Leo.

Leo ♌: Great riches are on their way, not only in the form of material wealth, but the respect and admiration of your peers. Also, don't be on the lookout for love; love will find you! … oh, wait… that one's for Cancer.

Virgo ♍: You will live a long and mildly comfortable life of banality and mundanity, taking solace in short phrases in the newspaper based on ancient astrological superstition.

Libra ♎: Today, you will wake up, go to work, buy some groceries on the way home, and eat ice-cream in your undies while watching "The Kardashians".

Scorpio ♏: Today, you will discover your true power when a grand piano falls off a 70th story high-rise and crushes you into a greasy spot on the pavement.

Sagittarius ♐: You are a STRAIGHT SHOOTER, but if you don't get the POINT, you might miss the TARGET. (Ugh, these archery puns are a pain in the ass.)

Capricorn ♑: Today, you will eat a tin can, a woolen sweater, and part of a shoe, then climb to a high place and fall asleep. What kind of sign is a goat anyway?

Aquarius ♒: Yours is a water sign, which means you can't get mad when a clown sprays you with a seltzer bottle today.

Pisces ♓: Don't ask if the jeans make you look fat -- it's not the jeans' fault.

Today is your birthday: Your friends and relations will throw you a lame party, when all you really want to do is pay a hooker to watch "Good Will Hunting" with you.