Blog of the Nation

Tales from Real America - One Day in an All-Girl Catholic School

2012-02-01T07:30:00.000-05:00

Today marks a monumental occasion in TfRA history: the first celebrity writer! Presenting Tales from Real America featuring Kevin Barbosa!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessmans for Presidents! Part 3: The Issues

2012-01-27T07:30:00.000-05:00

The businessmans have a plan for everything!

The Development of a Complex

2012-01-25T07:30:00.000-05:00

Some shit parents say never goes away…

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessmans for Presidents! Part 2: The Debate

2012-01-20T07:30:00.000-05:00

The businessmans get political.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessmans for Presidents!

2012-01-12T20:53:00.000-05:00

The businessmans have thrown their caps into the political ring!

Tales from Real America - Recession: 2012

2012-01-11T22:55:00.002-05:00

Happy Last Year of the Mayan Calendar!

2012-01-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year all! I know I've been slacking lately, partly because I've been working on a lot of new stuff, partly because I've been lazy, but I'm back and ready to take on this possibly ultimate (depending on whom you ask) year!

Stick around and you'll see plenty of new stuff! Thanks to all for a prosperous 2011 and here's to an even more exciting 2012!

Snail Man ep. 1

2011-12-13T22:00:00.000-05:00

A man with the body of a snail…

Err, a snail with the mind of a man…

It's Snail Man!

By the way, don't comment that it's impossible for snails to drink beer, and I won't comment that it's also absurd for a snail to be wearing a fedora.

Horoscope

2011-12-08T02:26:00.001-05:00

Aries ♈: Being born under the Greek god of war, today, you will line up with 6,655 other men, identically accoutered to you forming a phalanx, and roust the Persians from your ancestral land. Then, you will sacrifice a white bullock to Olympus, burning the entrails as a pleasant offering in thanks for your victory.

Taurus ♉: Expect plenty of funny looks when you walk into a china shop today.

Gemini ♊: Being a Gemini, people will often accuse you of having a split personality, but you don't have to take that from them! And neither do you!

Cancer ♋: You will die a terrible, lingering death; your loved ones will abandon you; your appearance and material wealth will fail miserably. In your last, few, agonizing… oh, wait… that one's for Leo.

Leo ♌: Great riches are on their way, not only in the form of material wealth, but the respect and admiration of your peers. Also, don't be on the lookout for love; love will find you! … oh, wait… that one's for Cancer.

Virgo ♍: You will live a long and mildly comfortable life of banality and mundanity, taking solace in short phrases in the newspaper based on ancient astrological superstition.

Libra ♎: Today, you will wake up, go to work, buy some groceries on the way home, and eat ice-cream in your undies while watching "The Kardashians".

Scorpio ♏: Today, you will discover your true power when a grand piano falls off a 70th story high-rise and crushes you into a greasy spot on the pavement.

Sagittarius ♐: You are a STRAIGHT SHOOTER, but if you don't get the POINT, you might miss the TARGET. (Ugh, these archery puns are a pain in the ass.)

Capricorn ♑: Today, you will eat a tin can, a woolen sweater, and part of a shoe, then climb to a high place and fall asleep. What kind of sign is a goat anyway?

Aquarius ♒: Yours is a water sign, which means you can't get mad when a clown sprays you with a seltzer bottle today.

Pisces ♓: Don't ask if the jeans make you look fat -- it's not the jeans' fault.

Today is your birthday: Your friends and relations will throw you a lame party, when all you really want to do is pay a hooker to watch "Good Will Hunting" with you.

Editing work - Francesca Tioleco's 2011 reel!

2011-09-05T00:39:00.000-04:00

In February I started an internship doing video production at a financial news website (fnno.com). Since then, I've had the chance to work with interesting and talented young people breaking into the world of broadcast journalism. One such go-getter, Francesca Tioleco, asked me to edit her reel. Check out the reel below or at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrNMI7peWbc

Biz/Caz/Fri: Vacation Time!

2011-08-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

Having dual-handedly solved the nation's debt crisis (for now), the businessmans (and their author) are taking a wee vacation. Updates will come… eventually.

Picture Puzzle - Literally Pt. 1

2011-08-03T12:39:00.000-04:00

Special thanks to Lexi Lau for the inspiration for this puzzle!

Each image represents one thing:

Biz/Caz/Fri: Abducted Final

2011-07-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

They'll be right here…

By the way, did anyone decode the cypher? There are several messages in an "alien alphabet." Start with the familiar letters (like the title) and go from there!

One Day in Starbucks

2011-07-27T09:36:00.002-04:00

Special Thanks to Conor Johns for this comic:

Biz/Caz/Fri: Abducted Pt. 4

2011-07-22T07:27:00.000-04:00

Business bros from beyond the Stars!

The Doctor visits the Dermatologist

2011-07-20T13:31:00.000-04:00

For all you fans of British Sci Fi:

Pip-pip cheerio, bangers and mash, and all that cal.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Abducted Pt. 3

2011-07-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

Our heroes are subjected to the most grueling of intellectual challenges!

Tales from Real America: Bensonhurst

2011-07-13T08:58:00.000-04:00

Good old boys in the 'Hurst

Biz/Caz/Fri: Abducted Pt. 2

2011-07-08T10:26:00.000-04:00

Mysteries of the universe are unraveled before out heroes' eyes!

Picture Puzzle 2 - Solutions

2011-07-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

Here are the answers to last week's picture puzzle. Congrats to all the people who guessed all 15! Kudos to anyone who submitted responses. This was fun and there will definitely be more puzzles to boggle your mind in the future, so stay tuned!

P.S. One of the most creative answers I received was for Lil' Kim (Kim Jong Il): Lupe Fiasco, "Kim Jong Il is loopy (Lupe) and he's always causing fiascos."

Biz/Caz/Fri: Abducted! Pt. 1

2011-07-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

Our heroes have a close encounter - of the business kind!

Picture Puzzle 2

2011-06-29T08:36:00.000-04:00

Can you guess the name that each of these pictures represents?

Biz/Caz/Fri: Famous Duos

2011-06-24T11:56:00.000-04:00

Peanut butter & Jelly, Milk & Cookies, Liver & Onions…

Tales from Real America: The N Train Pt. 3

2011-06-22T12:39:00.000-04:00

Transfer is available to the D Train.

P.S. I am expanding "Tales from Real America: on the N Train" into a larger format, extended story. Although this is the last episode of this series on the blog, there is more to this story. For those interested, I will find a way to make the larger format available. Stay tuned, and if you want to see more of Steve and Jenny, kindly send me a message via the comments below, email, telegraph, or carrier pigeon, and I'll keep you in the loop.

Peace.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Bluetoofs Pt. 3

2011-06-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

The greatest bromance ever drawn…

Tales from Real America: The N Train Pt. 2

2011-06-15T15:03:00.000-04:00

All backpacks and other large containers are subject to random search by the police.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Bluetoofs Pt. 2

2011-06-10T13:03:00.000-04:00

Who can keep track of all this networking!?

Tales from Real America: The N Train Pt. 1

2011-06-08T18:42:00.000-04:00

This is a Brooklyn bound N train making all local stops to Stillwell Ave.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Bluetoofs Pt. 1

2011-06-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

Business is busy…

Medical Wisdom from Coach

2011-05-31T18:42:00.000-04:00

Coach always knows just what to do!

Tea-Party Schoolhouse Rock

2011-05-24T23:35:00.000-04:00

A wee comic about the tea-party:

Biz/Caz/Fri: Movie References

2011-05-20T18:05:00.000-04:00

Our heroes take on the silver screen!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Break Time

2011-05-13T17:47:00.000-04:00

Our heroes are FORCED to take a break from business; can they survive?

Picture Puzzle

2011-05-06T11:40:00.000-04:00

The Businessmans are taking a short break this week. Instead, I've drawn this puzzle. Have fun deciphering it!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 6

2011-04-29T18:23:00.000-04:00

Our favorite Businessmans are back after a brief business-break to bring you the thrilling conclusion in the South of the Border Saga!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 5

2011-04-15T15:00:00.000-04:00

Our heroes must think of a way to get rid of the Spanish takeover, and think they will…

hard!

Tales from Real America

2011-04-12T22:33:00.000-04:00

A brief look at America today.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 4

2011-04-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

¡Ay chihuahua! Will our Business heroes lose their trabajos?

Ball Hair Trimmer

2011-04-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

For all your Ball Hair Trimming needs:

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 3

2011-04-01T10:38:00.000-04:00

The business-bro's try to make their guest feel welcome, but are they making him feel TOO welcome?

One Day in Queens

2011-03-30T23:33:00.000-04:00

As I've said, I apologize for no Businessmans last Friday (I know how you get without your Businessmans.) To make up for it, I'm uploading more comics! This means two things:

1. Yes, my scanner is fixed.

B. Yes, there will be Businessmans.

This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error

2011-03-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

It is with severe disappointment that I inform you, my valiant reader(s), that there will not be a Businessmans comic this week. I am finally online and I have the new comics, but my scanner is not working. I will try to fix this problem as quickly as possible and upload a bunch of funny stuff to ameliorate the situation. Thank you for your patience and continued patronage.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 2

2011-03-18T12:23:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the delay; I've been without internet during a move and we all know how internet service is. Not to despair! Here is the next installment in the Businessmans/Sunglasses meet Spanish Businessman saga!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Spanish Businessman Pt. 1

2011-02-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

Our heroes encounter business - south of the border!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Makeover Pt. 4

2011-01-28T13:14:00.000-05:00

The businessmans finally make it to the top, but is it enough?

Biz/Caz/Fri: Makeover Pt. 3

2011-01-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

Our heroes continue their epic voyage to the top of a skyscraper!

So, This Is What We've Come To?

2011-01-12T19:18:00.000-05:00

Let's put a crosshairs on Sarah Palin and see how she likes it.

Fitting, this should come right after a post in which I declared my loss of faith in American politics.

There have been a lot of strong feelings on both sides of the political spectrum about the weekend killing of 6, including a 9 year-old girl, and injuring of over a dozen, including a United States senator. But one would think, in the wake of such tragedy, pundits and Media Whores would put their egos in the closet for just long enough to let the dust settle, mourn the loss, and prosecute (in a fair and sane manner) those responsible. Instead, we have news jockeys pointing fingers at celebrity politicians (a term I am loath to use,) misguided incendiaries calling the tea party "terrorists," and tea partiers calling the shooter a "leftist lunatic," when really, these are the actions of a sick, sad, crazy man, who will have his day in court.

Politics in this country has gone bananas, with a capital B. A. N. A. N. A. S. This isn't a new thing. During the '08 election, an Ohio man hanged Barack Obama in effigy. Of course, this is patently offensive, racist behavior, but it was (potentially) in response to a depiction of John McCain as a ku klux klan member. In the past, tarring and feathering of unpopular politicians was the order of the day, and it wasn't pretty either. Similarly, (although much more serious and deadly) was the concept of "blood libel," the belief that Jews in Europe used the blood of christian babies to make matzoh as an excuse for religious violence, which lead to the deaths of countless people, a term Palin used in todays glam-response to her part in the Tucson Arizona shooting.

Sarah Palin is a disgusting, hate-mongering, filthy twat. it only stands to reason that when the heat is put on her, she adopts an, "passionate exchange and debate of ideas" and "pubic discourse and debate" attitude, going on to call Loughner an "evil man." He he's not necessarily evil; he's FUCKING CRAZY! There is one word that Palin got right, "apolitical." Crazy people are, by definition, apolitical. THEY'RE FUCKING CRAZY! That's like saying a dog is "apolitical." So cut the bullshit and stop treating politics like a battleground with "victors" and "losers." Boxing matches have winners; professional campaigners treat elections like boxing matches. Oh, and by the way, I hope I never have to say this again, but I agree with Bristol Palin.

However, the one admirable aspect of this country's political system is that we can have a change of government without wide-spread chaos and anarchy. Mexico, a representative democracy with a more liberal constitution than ours, changed political systems on average every nine months for years after its establishment. Italy has had 61 governments since 1945. Palin is stupid, but that doesn't make her responsible for the actions of a nutzo (other than herself.) Her power derives solely from her ability to cram her mug on every screen in the nation, cause a firestorm with f-ing Twitter posts, and rouse her brood of "mama-bears." When we stop paying attention to her, she goes away. However, we should not forget that the real tragedy is not that a media mogul gets undeserved face-time; the real tragedy is a little girl who won't get to see her tenth birthday.

Hopefully, still the case.

New York's budget deficit is OVER 9 BILLION!!!1!!!

2011-01-05T19:14:00.002-05:00

What? 9 billion?

You heard right, folks, and newly sworn-in hereditary governor, Mario, er, I mean, Andrew Cuomo, has vowed to tackle the issue head-on. How you ask? Change! And by change, politicians usually mean, "dump money at it until it dies and everyone forgets about it." But where's that money going to come from?

Education, of course.

Whenever there are budget crises in this country, education is traditionally the first neck on the chopping block, which seems pretty counter-intuitive to me, but then, I'm personally invested. In addition, when these cuts take effect, it's usually the bottom of the barrel, part-time workers who suffer, NOT their superiors. Good luck seeing Jennifer J. Raab take one single penny less of her NEARLY 300K/YEAR SALARY (this stuff is public information, people,) than save a single "college assistant," or even "custodial assistant" (AKA "janitor") amid tuition hikes.

So, education is fucked. We already knew that. "Rise to the Top" has the eerily familiar ring of "No Child Left Behind:" it rewards private and charter schools, deals with education, and includes a direction. (At least, we've moved away from the "behind" aspect.)

I guess in a really round-about way, the point I'm really getting to here is that I have lost faith in American politics, not that I had much to begin with. I used to think that positive social change could be achieved through the democratic process by merely voting for the respective lesser-of-two-evils. Now, I know that's an absurd thought.

What's You're Function?

Biz/Caz/Fri: Makeover Pt. 2

2010-12-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

The businessmans dig the only direction they know: up!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Makeover Pt. 1

2010-12-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

Business gots to stay fresh!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Big Meeting Pt. 4

2010-12-03T21:44:00.000-05:00

When will this meeting end!?

Biz/Caz/Fri: Big Meeting Pt. 3

2010-11-26T12:13:00.000-05:00

Your viscera are still digesting that huge holiday meal, and the dual spectacle of America's beloved pastimes: football and commercials, is forgotten. Now, all there is to do is wake up before the sun in a maniacal drive to reach the nearest outlet so that you can purchase all your holiday goods for the next decade at ridiculous bargains, all the while elbowing, nudging, and assaulting your fellow man in the spirit of giving.

But wait.

Why worship at the altar of consumerism, when you can relax with a very special Businessmans/Sunglasses?

Happy black Friday.

Зиппый Пугачёв хочет завести себе друзьей

2010-11-25T10:58:00.002-05:00

Zippy Pugachov is an angry Russian guy.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Big Meeting Pt. 2

2010-11-19T11:50:00.000-05:00

Our heroes make it to the big meeting just in time for Business!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Big Meeting

2010-11-12T12:44:00.000-05:00

Business is BACK!

Ремонт!

2010-10-17T14:02:00.001-04:00

Sorry it's been so long - over six months to be exact - since I've posted anything. I've been in an extended apartment search and haven't been able to scan comics, post videos, or compile writing. This is just a little update to let you, my faithful reader(s) know that I will be back soon with new comics, videos, and short-stories, as well as (hopefully) a new, more interactive format. Thank you for your patience.

Peace.

Edit:
Yes, there will be more Businessmans.

Lost at Follow Me: Part 4

2010-04-09T14:54:00.007-04:00

The conclusion to the Lost at Follow Me Saga:

Education in the Future!

2010-03-12T12:48:00.002-05:00

Cable / internet outages suck. Start over: it sucks when a truck smashes into the cable DANGLING PRECARIOUSLY OVER THE STREET and knocks out cable / internet / phone service for the entire block. That suckage increases exponentially when the cable company first, doesn't believe you; then, sends one guy to do the work of an entire team of technicians; finally, tells you they can't fix the problem because it's fucking raining…

All of which puts me in the situation where I now am: sitting in a coffee shop with my laptop like a true hipster, seething on my blog over my second cup of coffee. I guess my final point is

BOYCOTT TIME WARNER CABLE!!!!

Or, at least, write them and tell them in flowing prose how shitty they are. If you like, send me examples and I'll include them in an ongoing series entitled, "Time Warner Cable, Kindly Go Fuck Thyself."

Sorry about the rant.

Here's the comic for this week, a scathing look at education IN THE WORLD TO COME!

More Activism: Hunter Childcare Rally

2010-03-04T11:33:00.003-05:00

This past December, I attended and documented a rally for Hunter childcare services at the Hunter College campus in New York, during which I got video of a student being wrongly arrested. Here, finally, is the result of this footage:

To find out more about the ongoing struggle and how you can get involved go to the Defend Hunter Childcare website.

Penis vs. Dildo

2010-02-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

Feature: First World Feminism

2010-02-23T22:10:00.001-05:00

Hello, dear readers!

Over the weekend, I participated in a march across the Brooklyn Bridge to Wall St. for healthcare reform.

There, I met the writer of genfem.com, who featured a comic I drew on her blog.

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businesswoman pt. 2!

2010-02-19T09:37:00.000-05:00

The business-plot thickens!

Biz/Caz/Fri: What's in store?

2010-02-12T11:40:00.000-05:00

Businessfans, as we anxiously await the next installment of the Businesswoman saga, enjoy this look at what could be…

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businesswoman pt. 1!

2010-02-05T13:08:00.006-05:00

Hello, valued business-followers!

The dynamic Business duo is back and facing their biggest challenge yet: Businesswoman!

Can our heroes keep the bromance alive with two additional X chromosomes thrown into the mix!?!?!?

Pull My Finger

2010-01-30T18:03:00.000-05:00

Pull it!

Advertising

2010-01-29T12:04:00.000-05:00

As our Business-bros recover their business chops, enjoy this classic look at advertising:

Polish History

2010-01-22T13:17:00.001-05:00

No Businessmans this Friday; they're taking a power-break.
Instead, consider this two panel summary of Polish History:

Zipty-Zapty Boing-a-boinga Poop

2010-01-21T18:39:00.002-05:00

A Blast from the Past!

This is a comic I did Freshman year of college. It's an oldie,
but one of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessgerman Final

2010-01-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

The Businessgerman series reaches its dramatic climax!

Read on:

Lament of History's Bastard

2010-01-09T13:07:00.000-05:00

A free-form poem I wrote a couple years ago.

Lament of History's Bastard

Look. Look up at me. I am in control.

I am the controller. I am the conductor.

I am the pass to the past,

To a savage time, when my kind

Squatted in caves, while yours…

… Invented gods that we would one day topple.

I am the evil white man.

Fear me. Fear those like me.

I am the power holder. I am the boss.

Flesh wrapped in silk.

The benevolent brotherhood of bullshit.

Half-smiles and polo-shirts.

I do not want your language, your clothing.

I do not want your religion, pasty-faced Christ.

I don't care if my savior looks like me.

I don't want your race war.

Unexploded shells in playgrounds and parking lots.

I don't want your conquests.

I don't want your continents; you can keep them all!

But leave me alone on mine.

I am a non-native, native-Amerikan.

History's fuck-up.

I should not be.

Most of all, I don't want your association.

I don't want anyone to look up,

and call me a white man.

To connect my face with those who rode

across the plains

of my ancestor's lands and killed them,

and raped them,

and made me.

- N. Schrader 11-6-2007

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessgerman Part Drei!

2010-01-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

Prosit Neujahr!

For the first Biz/Caz/Fri of the '10's, our heroes display their patriotism in defense of business!

Biz/Caz/Fri: Businessgerman Part 2!

2009-12-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

Howdy-ho, readers!

For a special, non-denominational Saturnalia treat, I present Businessgerman part 2

Put that in your cockles and warm it!

Translation: The Death of a Bureaucrat by Anton Chekhov

2009-12-23T16:29:00.002-05:00

On one beautiful evening, a no less attractive executor, Ivan Dmitrich Chervyakov, sat in the second row of seats and watched "The Bells of Corneville" through a pair of binoculars. As he watched, he felt blissful to the core. But suddenly… (In stories, a "but suddenly" is often encountered. Authors are right: life is full of such suddennesses!) But at once, his face wrinkled up, his eyes rolled up, his breathing stopped… he took his binoculars away from his eyes, bent down and… achoo!!! He sneezed, as you see. No-one anywhere is prohibited from sneezing. Big men sneeze, police-masters, and even, occasionally, privy counsellors. Everyone sneezes. Chervyakov was not at all embarrassed; he wiped his nose with a handkerchief and, like a polite man, took a look around himself: had he bothered someone with his sneezing? But here came the confusion. He saw that an old man, sitting in front of him, in the first row of seats, was diligently wiping his bald spot and neck with a signet and muttering something. In the old man, Chervyakov recognized state general Brizzhalov, serving at the department of general affairs.

"I splashed him!" thought Chervyakov, "not my manager, a stranger, but all the same, it's awkward. I must apologize."

Chervyakov coughed, pushed his torso forward and whispered in the general's ear.

"Excuse me, your highness, I splashed you… unintentionally…"

"It's nothing, nothing…"

"For God's sake, excuse me. I just… I didn't mean to!"

"Ah, sit, please! Let me listen!"

Chervyakov was embarrassed, he smiled dimly, and started to look at the stage. He looked on, but he no longer felt blissful. An unease started to bother him. During the Entr'acte he went up to Brizzhalov, walked around near him and, overcoming his timidity, whispered:

"I splashed you, your highness. Forgive me… I just… So that it's not…"

"Ah, come on… I already forgot, and you're still on it!" Said the general and stirred impatiently with pursed lips.

"He forgot, and …." thought Chervyakov, glancing suspiciously at the general. "And he doesn't want to talk. I should explain to him that I didn't want to all the same… That this is the law of nature, and he thinks that I wanted to spit. He doesn't think so now, but he will think so later!"

When he came home, Chervyakov told his wife of his ignorance. His wife, as it seemed to him, took what had happened too flippantly, was merely afraid, and then, when she found out that Brizzhalov was a "stranger," she lost it.

"But all the same, you go, apologize," she told him. "He thinks that you can't maintain yourself in public!"

"T-that's just it! I apologized, yet he was somehow strange… He didn't say a single decent word. And there was no time to talk."

On the next day, Chervyakov put on his new uniform, got a haircut, and went to Brizzhalov to explain. When he walked into the general's reception room, he saw there many petitioners, and amidst all the petitioners, the general himself, who had already started to take petitions. When a few applicants had plead their cases the general set his gaze upon Chervyakov.

"Yesterday at the 'Arkady theater,' just, remember, your grace," the executor began to report, "I sneezed, sir, and… I splashed unintentionally… Pl-…"

"What trifles… G-d knows what! What can I do for you?" The general inquired to the next applicant.

"He doesn't want to talk!" Chervyakov thought, growing pale. "That means, he's mad… No, I mustn't… I will explain it to him…"

When the general finished his conversation with the last applicant and retired to the interior of his apartment, Chervyakov stepped up to him and mumbled:

"Your grace! Just, I dare to bother your grace with my petty feelings of, how can I say it, repentance!… I didn't… on purpose, if your excellency will condescend to know, sir!"

The general made a sour face and waved his hand.

"And you just laugh, you so-and-so!" He said, taking his hand from the door.

"Why all this laughing?" though Chervyakov. "Throughout all this not a single giggle! A general, and he can't understand! Well then, I won't stand to explain myself anymore with this fanfare! To hell with him! I shall write him a letter, and I won't have to walk! By G-d! I won't stand for it."

Thus thought Chervyakov, as he walked home. It came, on the next day, time for him to go to explain himself.

"Yesterday I came to bother your grace," he murmured, when the general recognized his inquisitive eyes, "I didn't mean to laugh at that, sir… but I didn't think to laugh. Do I laugh just to laugh? Perhaps, when we laugh like it's nothing, then it means we are comfortable with someone… It won't…"

"Leave, stink-face!!!" barked the angry and shaking general.

"What, sir?" Asked Chervyakov in a whisper, overcome with fear.

"Go, cur!!!" repeated the general, stamping his feet.

Something was torn out of Chervyakov's stomach. Seeing nothing, hearing nothing, he stepped back to the door, left to the street and headed out… at last he mechanically went home, and, not taking off his vice-uniform, he lay down on the couch and summarily… died.

-Anton Chekhov, 1883

biz/Caz/Fri: Meet Businessgerman!

2009-12-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

Our dynamic duo meet their Teutonic tormentor! Enjoy!

THE ENDLESS FUCKING ICE CREAM FUCKING STATUS POST - SHIT!

2009-12-13T01:45:00.000-05:00

Omar inspired this epic status update about ice cream. Enjoy:

Businessmans/Sunglasses: Variations

2009-12-11T18:53:00.004-05:00

Howdy, reader(s?)

For this week's Businessmans/Sunglasses, we look at what could have been.

You Complete the Comic!

2009-12-05T18:45:00.001-05:00

Howdy, to show that I do more than just comics about Businessmans, I want to involve you, the internet-savvy, in the creative process.

Below is a not-quite-finished comic. Share your ideas in the comments, through email, or carrier pidgeon, and I'll post the top results when the comic is finished!

What would make this funnier? Let me know, below, or email me:

schraderstudios@gmail.com

Biz/Caz/Fri: 5

2009-12-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

Will our dynamic duo reconvene for businessness? Find out today!

Biz/Caz/Fri: 4

2009-11-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

Welcome!

As you shake off your Thanksgiving hangovers, revel in the continuing adventures of a lone Businessman. Can he handle business on his own?

Biz/Caz/Fri: History

2009-11-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

This week, as our heroes go their separate ways, we look back over a long history of proactivism.

Biz/Caz/Fri: 3

2009-11-06T13:12:00.001-05:00

Is it the end for our heroes?!?

Biz/Caz/Fri: 2

2009-10-30T10:57:00.003-04:00

For your consideration: Episode Two!

Biz/Caz/Fri: 1

2009-10-16T15:33:00.003-04:00

You're in for a treat today, readers!

This week, we embark on a journey through the rocky seas of the business world. Our guides are two of the proactivest, business-savviest, paradigm-shiftingest BusinessMans (with Sunglasses) this side of Broadway! Each week, I will upload another episode of this duo's wacky misadventures; enjoy!

More Activism

2009-10-12T16:01:00.006-04:00

Last week, I participated in a protest and walkout in support of the Hunter College cafeteria workers' union. Dozens of students, teachers, adjuncts, Hunter employees, and union members came out in solidarity for the workers, whose retirement and health care benefits are in jeopardy because of the takeover of cafeteria services by AVI.

AVI's cuts include health insurance, retirement benefits, pension plans, etc. Workers, who have been with Hunter for years, are at risk of losing their retirement. Union leaders appealed to the College president, but no resolutions have been made nor statements issued from the company.

In addition, the company offers workers no raises for over a year.

To raise your voice and bring this issue to the attention of Hunter College President, Jennifer J. Raab, write to her at her e-mail: President@hunter.cuny.edu

More work for less pay with no benefits? Yeah, right.

Workers of the world, unite!

Tucker Max Can Eat Shit in Hell

2009-10-02T13:24:00.010-04:00

Recently, yours truly was involved in justified activism against internet loud-mouth and self-proclaimed douchebag Tucker Max. (That's me in the back, one of the "uncomfortable looking men;" this article is rampant with harmful inaccuracies, and I'll get to that in a second.) Once again, I was working with a prominent New York feminist / activist group. To be honest, I had no idea Tucker Max even had the mental fortitude to write, produce and star in his own film, let alone publish anything beyond: "I had sex in a weird way with a girl I didn't care about just to see if I could do it." So my involvement was not as an offended male feminist, but as an offended male and writer.

Just to clarify: I was not an "uncomfortable man" let that NEVER be said of me unless I am wearing all-cotton undies filled with chili sauce in a sauna. I was there completely of my own volition as an activist for the promotion of fair treatment in the media when talking about women. Some people don't know that gender issues in this country (as in many places in this world) are still completely FUCKED. (For example: more states permit marriage between first cousins than same-sex couples, sanctity my ass.)

There is a tendency in this country to tolerate edginess. Don't get me wrong; I'm all about freedom of speech. However, I also avow responsibility of speech. For example: I am free to publish whatever I want on my lil' blog (whether or not someone reads it is another matter,) but, as in this sentence, if there is no point, why publish it at all? Moreover, I doubt anyone wants to follow up on my sexcapades.

America is a nation of put-up or shut-up, and this is evident in our treatment of extreme subjects. Yes, I'm glad that I can talk about outrageous sex acts, but that does not give me the right to expound on how stupid women are because I can convince them to do X. People get lost in the process of taking things too far. The question remains: where is the line?

The internet is a fascinating new medium and one that will ultimately change how people relate to each other and to their world. We have already gotten off to a terrible start with a digital library of Alexandria of disgusting sex acts, the sole purpose of their existence being so we can force each other to watch them and get grossed out. (I would cite here: tubgirl, 2 girls 1 cup, Mr. Hands, 1 Guy 1 Cup, etc., etc., ad infinitum.)

Remember the first time you got away with saying a dirty word? Maybe you were on the playground or with an understanding older friend or sibling and let one loose; the trembling excitement of the unknown made you feel grown up.

Now, as adults, we curse all the time, and it's not out of excitement or taboo it's out of ABJECT HABIT and it's STUPID, without THOUGHT or MEDITATION (says the guy whose last sentence in this post is almost exclusively composed of the word FUCK.) When you're five years old, the word fuck is pretty dangerous; after you've said it every day for almost twenty years, it looses its spark.

Extremism actually KILLS THE EXCITEMENT! Take, for example, the Hostel / Saw series of movies (now coming out so often, the sequels often precede each other, Saw VI? Where the fuck was V?) Personally, and you are completely free to disagree with me (because of that wonderful First Amendment again,) I view these not as films but pornography. They are presenting shocking things purely for the shock and have NO REDEEMABLE ARTISTIC VALUE.

Likewise, if you're Tucker Max or one of his drooling automata, eventually, you'll have to wake up and realize:

1. I'm not turned on by meaningless sex any more.

2. Women are not sex toys; they are, in fact, human beings with thoughts, feelings, and jobs that don't pay them as much as their male coworkers while at the same time objectifying them because THAT'S WHAT SELLS.

Also, if you're so desensitized to sex that you need your buddy to hide in a closet and take video of you putting your love rod in some girl's doo-doo hole, you need to spend more time with madam Palm and her five daughters.

Fuck you, Tucker Max. Fuck you, fuck your couch, more importantly, fuck yourself.

Oh, and also, fuck you Village Voice writer. Check your fucking facts; you could at any time have asked me about my feelings and you would have gotten something similar to this rant, but that wouldn't be all hip and edgy, would it?

Mario Got Some Bad 'Shrooms

2009-09-06T18:52:00.003-04:00

Traditional Macho Identity

2009-08-24T05:00:00.005-04:00

At a panel discussion on men in the Feminist movement I attended last week, I heard the phrase "Traditional Macho Identity" and came up with this.

For more on Paradigm Shift and the good work they are doing, check out their website.

For the Hunter Women's Rights Coalition, of which I am proudly a member, check out their blog.

Three Corny Cartoons about the Dalai Lama

2009-08-24T04:56:00.005-04:00

Three incredibly corny cartoons about the Dalai Lama

Storyboards, Pt. 1

2009-06-17T10:07:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a while. I also know I have a lot of (cough) unfinished posts here, but bear with me. My time has been now taken up by a short film slated to shoot next month. Here is one page of preliminary storyboards for you to enjoy. In the meantime, I'll be working on finishing up some of these threads.Peace!

Lost at Follow Me: Part 1

2009-04-20T22:30:00.002-04:00

тюрьма

2009-04-09T15:39:00.005-04:00

Here's a bit of free-form poetry I wrote last week.

It was a dark and stormy night… (pt. 2.1)

2009-04-08T14:42:00.003-04:00

Joel Sfagliatti was the definitive, average, New Jersey guy. He liked hot dogs and burgers, porno, the Jets, Kevin Smith movies, and, in his words, “broads in tight pants.”

When Joel met the doctor in a McDonald’s dining room in Hoboken, he was dressed as usual, in a pair of loose cargo pants and a Joe Namath jersey. His spiked hair bristled in the air conditioning as Dr. Stranolyubovsky shoved another 99¢ “baked apple pie” into his face and grumbled, “Grrmn… razza-fraggin’ McDonald’s slave;… tell me I can’t get breakfast,… it’s morning!…”

“One in the morning,” Joel thought; he did not want to question the doctor because he was eccentric, which usually translates to smart. Instead, Joel decided to stick to the matter at hand.

“So, this, er, serum… It’ll make every thing I’ve ever done for someone vanish?” Said Joel.

“That’s right!… Baby seal clubbing… Every nice thing, anyway…” The doctor sprayed between chunks of sugary “fruit,” “It is essential that you have someone in mind when you drink it… tuna salad…”

Joel brought up the memory of his recent ex and shuddered. He reconsidered his earlier decision not to question the little man before him, “Why don’t you test it on yourself?”

Dr. Stranolyubovsky let out a piercing cackle, ejecting a hot piece of batter and “apple” onto Joel’s right arm.

“To wit,” he finally choked, “I have done nothing nice for anyone but myself, and I don’t want to take that away.”

As Joel considered that statement, the doctor surreptitiously pushed a small glass bottle in front of him, saying, “Think of someone you used to love… Someone you did a lot of good for…”

The doctor had barely stopped talking when Joel grasped the vessel and upended it down his throat. He thought of Marlena, his last girlfriend, who, not two months ago, had kicked him out of her apartment mid-coitus, leaving him naked, penniless, drunk, and, to top it all off, in Newark. The bile rising in his esophagus was reminiscent of the taste of the serum.

“Tastes like barf,” said Joel with a hand to his mouth. He sat up and looked around, nothing seemed different…

“Brilliant!” shrieked Dr. Stranolyubovsky, not because he was excited; this was something he periodically exclaimed without reason. “On whom did you reflect?”

“My bitch of an ex-girlfriend.”

“Excellent,” the doctor wove his fingers with giddy pleasure, “for the next 48 hours I will trail you… to make observations…”

It was a dark and stormy night…

2009-03-30T02:13:00.003-04:00

It was a dark and stormy night, so the classic story begins. Actually, it was a very muggy and uncomfortable New Jersey night with a 75% chance of thunderstorms; and besides, what night isn’t dark? To be honest, it wasn’t even all that dark in the 5th floor, Jersey City studio/laboratory of Dr. Stranolyubovsky; the Popeye’s sign across the street illuminated his ruffled bed, untouched for days as the unorthodox scientist worked on his latest concoction. Rows of beakers, tanks of lab mice, and the discarded shards of failed experiments flickered under the cheap fluorescent lighting. They rattled with the lazy, intermittent breeze of the single rotating fan, and shook with the vibrations of the nearby PATH station. Perhaps not the ideal situation for the lab of an evil genius, but it was rent-controlled and had a great view of Staten Island, for what it’s worth.

Dr. Stranolyubovsky moved awkwardly from beaker to beaker, his thin linen lab coat, crusted with days of perspiration, hung off his sweaty body like a limp rag. The doctor checked his charts and chortled with the kind of simple, demented joy of a boy pulling the legs off grasshoppers in his backyard. As he mixed this-or-that substrate with such-and-such a chemical and watched the result with baited anticipation, the mad doctor mumbled to himself, semi-coherently:

“Hmn… Yes… What time is it?…” The PATH train rumbled by lazily, “The 10:15’s late… Candied Yams! Did I have Mac’n’cheeze for dinner?…” He let out a burp, “Hot dogs… Back to work… Hm… Interesting reaction…”

Years of rejection and ostracism had lead Dr. Stranolyubovsky to this one-room Fortress of Solitude. The Scientific Institute, every major university, all the minor universities and even those online technical schools that advertise on the subway, his colleagues, his family, and, according to the doctor, his own dog said he was mad, insane for trying, nutty for even thinking of such a thing, but now Dr. Stranolyubovsky had the last laugh. He let out a wild, falsetto shriek that rang off the cramped walls and woke up his neighbor, who, for the umpteenth time that night, banged on the wall by his bed, rolled over, and went back to sleep. The laugh ended abruptly with a crack and a fleck of spittle. Dr. Stranolyubovsky had done what no one else thought possible; he had created a serum that erased every kind, loving, or generally nice thing you’ve ever done for someone else. It is useless to explain how ingesting a liquid can erase the past; the metaphysics (or rather, meta-chemistry) of it would be mind-boggling. Suffice it to say, one simply has to concentrate on someone who may have once been a loved one, from whom one was estranged for whatever reason, take a sip, and, Vhoom! Every nice thing one has ever done for that person vanishes instantly into the ether. “Now all I need is a test subject…” murmured Dr. Stranolyubovsky. He ambled over to his creaky, outdated PC, and posted an ad on Craigslist. Within hours, he got a response from namathfan1269@yahoo.com.

Proof that Marijuana is Bad for You

2009-03-27T20:54:00.002-04:00

Robot Love

2009-03-21T19:30:00.002-04:00

Fuck your couch, Felix Yusupov!

2009-03-04T22:33:00.006-05:00

Fuck Felix Yusupov's couch. Felix Felixovich Yusupov A dream. I am in Petersburg; St. Petersburg, that is. I am in the Yusupov palace, a fascinating place indeed. Along the Moika river in old St. Petersburg, borne from the very bones of the workers, built upon a festering swamp, stands the symbol of the high-water mark of the Russian aristocracy. It is a huge edifice, lavishly decorated and painstakingly crafted. This is the home of a noble family on the upper echelon of Russian society. In the crypt-like basement rooms of this palatial domicile occurred the murder of the human being known as Grigory Yefimovich Rasputin. In the winter of 1916-17, a coconspiracy of Russian nobles convened to resolve the question of the "mad monk," Grigory, who held sway over the Tsarina, Aleksandra Romanova, and therefore, over the entire of the Russian Empire, from the Baltic to the Pacific. Something had to be done, or the country, already bogged down in the first World War, would fall to the Bolsheviks. Rasputin was invited, at the insistence of Maria Golovina, a friend of Felix', to the Yusupov palace. First, he was poisoned. When the poison took no observable effect, Felix shot the madman in the back. Even this did not kill him. He lay on the floor of the Yusupov basement, bleeding profusely for several hours, as Felix gathered his cohorts. They found him running across the courtyard; Felix took four more shots, hitting him twice, the second time in the head. Grigory fell, and was kicked and beaten by the assailants, but he was still alive. The men wrapped him and weighted his still-living body, and drove to the river to dump Rasputin in the freezing water. Days later, the police, patroling the Great Petrovsky Bridge found his frozen body underneath the ice. Ultimately, Rasputin had died of exposure. The next year, the Bolsheviks indeed took power, despite the Tsarina and her "seer." Back to the dream. I am standing in the Yusupov palace, in the basement dining room, in the very spot Felix Yusupov pulled the trigger and sent the upper-nobility of Imperial Russia into a frenzy. I am sitting on Felix Yusupov's couch. Furiously, I grind my feet into the fine, velvet upholstery. The antiquated furniture breathes clouds of dust as each of my grimy boots falls upon it. "Fuck your couch, Felix Yusupov!" I scream. "Fuck your couch!" Fuck your couch indeed, Felix Yusupov.

ORGASM!

2009-02-14T17:38:00.003-05:00

Basic 6: Fuck!

2009-02-13T13:16:00.001-05:00

Basic 5: Kick!

2009-02-04T21:41:00.000-05:00

They Did it Again!

2009-02-03T09:04:00.001-05:00

Ripped One!